Yesterday marked 19 weeks for us. We got a call that the ultrasound looked totally normal, although we had a 'limited' scan done, so it was not a full diagnostic work up, but, I'm very comfortable with that.
I think my friends are sick of hearing about it, so I'm going to blog it here and try to put it out of my mind. This pregnancy and birth is a very new experience for me, for both of us. Outside of things like knowing that my ankles swell early on and that heartburn is to be expected and what a baby kicking feels like in the weeks before it really feels like kicks, that's all old hat. But, using a CPM for prenatal care, planning a homebirth and our whole holistic approach to this pregnancy is all brand new... Like being pregnant for the first time. I don't have many of the same fears I did with my first. I know labor hurts, but I know it's worth it. I know what Braxton-Hicks contractions feel like compared to labor contractions. I know my body is capable of delivering a baby vaginally. But, where I really met failure and frustration with my first, was breastfeeding, and it stands as my single most daunting fear with this pregnancy.
Labor pains, shmabor pains. But gosh darn it, I want to nurse a baby. I want to nurse and not have to feed a bottle afterward. I want to not worry about bringing bottles with me on outings. I want to nurse through the night and not get up to make a bottle. I don't want formula touching this baby. I want a baby with a virgin gut. I want to nurse a toddler.
One would argue that I will not face the same challenges with this one that I did with my first. This one will not be taken away immediately after birth. I will not harbor the same ignorance as I did with my first. And I have an army of breastfeeding mamas and authority around me, helping me where I never had help before.
My midwife's student will be an IBCLC as of July. She will be at my birth and has vowed to stay until the baby is latched and nursing well and to come back as needed to help with any issues that arise. That, combined with my accumulated knowledge with my first and several friends who have successfully nursed through their own issues all 'have my back'.
I am reading and rereading everything I can get my hands on about breastfeeding, but it is honestly boring because I read so much of it before.
But I will not go into this unprepared. I will nurse this baby.
I'm just so scared to fail again. To fail my baby and to fail my expectations.
Here is to preparation and having a good five months yet to work through this fear.
I totally, totally get you!
ReplyDeleteI assumed that I would nurse my daughter before I had her and was really not prepared at all...I still feel guilt over giving up on it and have starting preparing myself with fury for the next time around (and I don't even know when that will be). I've vowed to get the support I will need to make it work.
I do think that having your first will have prepared you for the idea that 'this too shall pass'. When I first had my daughter and everything was going so terribly with nursing, I had no conception that it would ever get any better. It's very difficult during those vulnerable, sleepless first days to get your logical brain around that!
But you do now know (I'm sure) that hard times and good times pass so quickly with baby...that if you struggle (and hopefully you won't) it won't last forever - that getting through that first month or two may be the hardest part with smooth sailing from then on.
At any rate, as a mama who has the same fears/hopes as you, I give you my sincere hope that everything goes amazingly for you and that you have the support you need....
I am also with you on this one! My first we nursed until 15 mos with struggles and her dropping off the weight charts. Her first feeding was of formula because they bullied my husband into thinking if he didn't feed her while I was still out from the c-section she would die.
ReplyDeleteWith my second I thought because it was a home birth and I was experienced things would go better. We found out after him loosing a scary amount of weight he was tongue tied. It took a week to get it clipped and our nursing was never on track. We had to be admitted to childrens because of his low weight and not gaining. I had to exclusively pump for months and supplement which broke my heart! By six months I had him back on the breast but before he was a year he was done wanted to eat real food and a sippy. I had really hoped I would nurse him longer then my daughter but I think because of the terrible start we had I had a bad supply.
I am also looking for any help I can get this time to ensure a better go at it as this will most likely be our last. I bought myself a better pump in case it is needed again and I have expressed my concerns to my midwife. I am looking into encapsulating the placenta to help with an immediate supply boost. It sounds like you have a good support system and that is awesome! Hopefully because you are taking so much more of an active/ educated roll this time things will happen that much more natural!