Yesterday marked 19 weeks for us. We got a call that the ultrasound looked totally normal, although we had a 'limited' scan done, so it was not a full diagnostic work up, but, I'm very comfortable with that.
I think my friends are sick of hearing about it, so I'm going to blog it here and try to put it out of my mind. This pregnancy and birth is a very new experience for me, for both of us. Outside of things like knowing that my ankles swell early on and that heartburn is to be expected and what a baby kicking feels like in the weeks before it really feels like kicks, that's all old hat. But, using a CPM for prenatal care, planning a homebirth and our whole holistic approach to this pregnancy is all brand new... Like being pregnant for the first time. I don't have many of the same fears I did with my first. I know labor hurts, but I know it's worth it. I know what Braxton-Hicks contractions feel like compared to labor contractions. I know my body is capable of delivering a baby vaginally. But, where I really met failure and frustration with my first, was breastfeeding, and it stands as my single most daunting fear with this pregnancy.
Labor pains, shmabor pains. But gosh darn it, I want to nurse a baby. I want to nurse and not have to feed a bottle afterward. I want to not worry about bringing bottles with me on outings. I want to nurse through the night and not get up to make a bottle. I don't want formula touching this baby. I want a baby with a virgin gut. I want to nurse a toddler.
One would argue that I will not face the same challenges with this one that I did with my first. This one will not be taken away immediately after birth. I will not harbor the same ignorance as I did with my first. And I have an army of breastfeeding mamas and authority around me, helping me where I never had help before.
My midwife's student will be an IBCLC as of July. She will be at my birth and has vowed to stay until the baby is latched and nursing well and to come back as needed to help with any issues that arise. That, combined with my accumulated knowledge with my first and several friends who have successfully nursed through their own issues all 'have my back'.
I am reading and rereading everything I can get my hands on about breastfeeding, but it is honestly boring because I read so much of it before.
But I will not go into this unprepared. I will nurse this baby.
I'm just so scared to fail again. To fail my baby and to fail my expectations.
Here is to preparation and having a good five months yet to work through this fear.